The Trials of a Modern Day Family

Guest post by Rebecca Fordham

Finding Mr Right as a divorced mother is as fulfilling as it is stressful. With children intact, how easy is it to blend two families through marriage or co-habiting? Rebecca Fordham investigates the issues remarriage causes and how to tackle them.

Lucy Taylor has recently moved in with her partner of five years and is in the process of renovating their four bedroom house. Their future as a couple is solidified, the excitement of coming home to someone is a novelty and the feeling of happiness clouds the prospect of having to live with all his annoying habits. This may seem like an enviable stage in a woman’s life. But Lucy is 45, mother to two children aged 21 and 17 and has not lived with a man for over ten years since she divorced her children’s father.

Remarriage for many in the UK is likely as divorce rates remain high. The Office for National Statistics show that 113,949 couples separated in 2009. In over forty per cent of marriages, couples have walked up the aisle at least once before. One in five people who get divorced remarry. However with a high percentage of those already having children from the failed marriage, the decision to then embark on a new relationship, move in with a partner and eventually marry comes with an abundance of responsibility that wasn’t there the first time.  

“It wasn’t a decision to take lightly, there were many things to consider in my situation such as finances, what my family thought, whether it would work but ultimately I had to think of my children”, Lucy explains. “How would they react to this situation, after all this man is not their father. He is my choice, not theirs.”

Inviting someone else into an existing family unit that works well can cause disruptions and upset. Lifestyle coach and relationship expert Karen Morley helps with similar situations everyday in her line of work. “It is about communication, communication, communication. You have to be practical and sit down together as a family to look at all the difficulties or practicalities that need sorting. Having meetings to help merge the two families is key.”

She advises parents to reassure children of their importance and to stress that they have a voice too. As well as easing the children into the idea of a new home-life by explaining the new marriage or living situation, ensuring that everything remains as normal as possible is a vital step in preparing everyone for the new challenge.

And it is necessary for everybody in the situation to prepare. For the partner, who in Lucy’s case is without children, they have a whole new way of life to mould to. “Whereas he previously lived by himself, he now has three extra people to contend with and we have met difficulties. We were both used to being in charge of a house so you have to learn to do things together.”

For many, both partners will have children and this situation can be the hardest of them all. Karen advices that parents who wish to blend two sets of children should make a very clear plan. “They need to sit down and work out their strategies, their compromises, and decide how everything is going to run. When an agreement has been reached they need to sit down with the children and do exactly the same with them.”

Natasha Walton was 6 when her parents divorced 17 years ago. Her dad is marrying his partner of ten years, and her mum has been in a relationship for over 8 years - both parents have young daughters from the new relationships. “At first it was strange accepting two new people into my life but I lived with my dad and soon-to-be step-mum and she became a big part of our family. Now she is more like a mother to me than my real mum. I’m not very close with my mum’s boyfriend and we both agree he will never really be a step-dad to me - but we get on.”

So what happens for those unlucky families whose children and partners don’t get on well? Karen explains that in this instance seeking outside help is the answer. “If you can’t work it out from within, then some help is needed as the problem doesn’t go away. Seeking help in a third party is not about being told what to do but being helped to work out what will work best. It involves compromise from everybody.”

It is the responsibility of the adult to try their hardest but sometimes finding their role within an affirmed family can be difficult. They may struggle to find where they fit in - many may even be thrown into parenting someone else’s child. Everyone’s preconception of what family life should be like is different. But a way to combat this is to sit and discuss how you envisage things to be beforehand, what each of your roles are and how compromises can be made so that everyone feels happy.

Amy Czapnik a 25-year-old events manager, felt resentful when her mum remarried. “It was strange to suddenly have someone else as part of your life. When my step-dad moved in I had to change my behaviour at home as it wasn’t just mum and I anymore. At the time when things started changing around the house I didn't like it and would try to keep things the same - as well as keep my mum's attention.”

We can’t forget that parents themselves have a lot to take on and adjust to in a remarriage. For many, they have lived as the sole earner, decision maker and rule enforcer of the house. Great independence has been gained and as much as a support may have been craved when buying a new car or when a teenager is being difficult, sharing your life again can be hard to get used to.

Keeley Townsend, a counsellor who specialises in couple and family relationships explains how the adult relationship must be strong in order for the merged family to work. “The most successful relationships will be the ones that are able to connect to being a couple as well as being parents. Although the family is important, couple time is vital because that is what will make the family function. Family time and individual couple time is so important”.

Both men and women have expectations of how it will be living together but these aren’t always realistic. If only one partner has children, the other may find they feel jealous or even pushed aside. Every couple has to work at their relationship so time alone is essential whatever your situation. Scheduling date nights, spending time together once the children are in bed, and finding someone to babysit from time-to-time can help. Keeley explains that keeping the relationship fresh is the answer.

Psychologically a merged family is faced with a harder situation than most. Whereas a family who hasn’t split have history together, know one another and have grown together to reach the stage they are in, a blended family lack this growth. They can appear to be at this stage from the outside but they have missed out on the all important developmental process. This solid family image can be hard to live up to and a lot of pressure to be under. Keeley advises that the best course of action is to understand each other’s family history. “Sometimes people don’t want to know about others past but that’s their life-script and has brought them to where they are today. If you are able to understand one another’s family history, then you’ll know where they come from and what makes them who they are.”

A positive that comes with blending two families is of course the gaining of additional family members. However the obligations that come with this can cause unnecessary stress or worry. Both Amy and Natasha are in agreement that the situation can become complicated at this point. “On special occasions there are so many strands of the family to see and having the time to do that is hard”, explains Natasha. “I have a responsibility to go and see them but sometimes I don’t want to because they aren’t real family.” However gaining two half sisters for Natasha and having extended support for Amy makes the situation very rewarding. 

This is one of many great advantages to being part of a blended family. Others include a great support network, more people to love and love you back, having happy parents which should in turn create a happy home environment, and gaining step-children. There are many issues that make the decision to remarry or even cohabit with your partner daunting. As a parent you will always ask yourself; “how long do you leave it before taking the next step?” But there is no easy answer and there comes a point where you have to take your own happiness into consideration too. The process will always have you asking; “is it worth it?” or, “have I done the right thing?” - but you have to try. It won’t be an easy ride but you will have someone there to share it with.

Rebecca Fordham http://www.writtenandposted.blogspot.com/

GUTSY Is as GUTSY Does!

       Guest Post by Sylvia Lafair             

                                  

I remember when I was 46 wondering what would happen when I was 64. That old Beatles song would play over and over “Will you still love me when I’m….”

I believe it is never too late to prepare for that time when we look in the mirror and say “Who, in heaven’s name, is that peering back at me.” So, I decided before I reached the big 50 to take my life in my own hands and make vital life decisions about what really mattered.

I told my husband my plan and he tossed me a “this should be interesting” look.

You see, I am totally challenged when it comes to directions. I believe that whatever way I am facing must be north. So, to take a sleeping bag, some water and a few energy bars and head into the desert near our home in Santa Fe was, well risky business at best.

He dropped me off and pointed me in the direction of Nambe Falls. My logic was I would be able to get more water and since I like the sound of running water I would be contented for the three nights and four days I was going to stop the world and listen to my inner self.

Vision quest; just the sound of the words made me tremble. It felt so, so ancient, so connected to Mother Earth. Vision quest, what a gutsy thing for a city bred gal to do. Vision quest, I would come back with all my deep questions answered.

Off I went, going due north (which meant following my nose). Time, as the poets like to say, stood still; actually way too still. It seemed like the sun never moved and evening was a long way away. I became, not really afraid; actually my fear was of being bored. And bored I was. My fast paced city life was far behind. I had no computer, no books, and no cell phone; only the silence of the desert.

Someday I will write about what I really learned in those three loooong days. Now, I just want to talk about my reentry into the world of bathrooms, cool Margaritas, reality television, and human relationships.

I marched back into town with my orange baseball cap perched on very grungy hair. I lost my canteen somewhere toward the end of my stay and walked, ever so the conquering hero, into the Eldorado Hotel smack in the center of Santa Fe.

It was late afternoon and very quiet. I was amazed at the tile floors, the clear glass that housed the water I had requested, the flushing sound that was made in the bathroom. It was as if I had entered a foreign planet. I sat waiting for my husband to pick me up.

Two women at the next lounge table were sipping their drinks looking over at me. They would put their heads together, chuckle and then look some more.  Finally one asked where I had been. With the pride of accomplishment I puffed myself up and told them about my vision quest.

When I finished there was silence. I was used to silence, it had become my friend so I just sat quietly and waited for what was next. They leaned toward me again and one woman queried “Does your mother approve of this vision quest thing.”

At that moment I knew the success of my journey; it saved me from ever needing a face lift!!!

Sylvia Lafair PhD is an author and business leadership and communications expert. www.sylvialafair.com

If I Had My Time Again...

Midlife is the time when most of us start to think back on our lives and consider what we might do differently if we had our lives over again. We might regret leaving school before we should have done because we were impatient to start earning real money. Many of us will regret some of our relationships and most of us would probably take a different career path, given another chance.

Those of us who have succeeded in life (however you measure it) will have done so due to a mix of good fortune, a gritty determination to succeed, our inbuilt intelligence and the right family support. Those of us who have fallen short will have lacked one or more of the above – that’ll be most of us then!

But we are where we are now. As so many before me have said, ‘Life isn’t a rehearsal’ and we won’t get the chance to try again so what are our options?

• Cry into our beer and do a great impression of being a victim
• Carry on as we are
• Think about what’s gone before and what lessons we’ve learned
• Look around and identify new opportunities that might be open to us
• Set ourselves measurable targets to achieve, to improve the rest of our lives

The answer? Obviously, it’s the last option. But is it? Most of us won’t set ourselves stretching targets to achieve – that’s likely to be very uncomfortable and too much like hard work. (We’ll say we’re going to do it, of course, but will we? Unlikely…)

The answer is to do what’s best for you, in your own circumstances. It’s what you can commit to and what you are likely to achieve.

What I would say to you, is please try to leave your comfort zone. That is the single biggest thing that you can do to move your life forward. Start small – cold call a customer, pluck up the courage to start a conversation with the person that you fancy (but not if you’re already in a relationship), start an exercise regime, etc

.

Start small and persevere. You will be amazed at the difference that other people will notice about you – that’s a good measure isn’t it?

What would you do differently if you had your life over again?

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Rob Horlock has established The Mid Life Opportunity (www.midlifeop.com), a community for people in Midlife. Advice and Guidance is available from The Mid Life Coaching Panel. It’s free to join - click here

Midlife Joke of the Week

A midlife man is stopped by the police around 1am and is asked where he is going at this time of   night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

“My wife” the man replies….

Job Hunting Tips For The Midlife Job Seeker

Guest post by Nicole Rodgers

We all know that the economy is down and unemployment is a very real and serious problem in our society right now. Finding work has arguably never been more difficult. This statement holds especially for midlife job seekers. Despite having years of experience, their age works against them. There is more incentive for most employers to hire younger workers who, either just out of college or otherwise new to the workplace, will be willing to work for a lower salary.

While the employment situation is bleak, that doesn’t mean that there are not steps that mature job seekers can take in order to make themselves more competitive when looking for work.

First, older job seekers must remember that many things have changed since they last likely looked for work. In particular, it is imperative to keep abreast of the latest breakthroughs in technology. If their technological skills are lacking, there is no need to fret, as they can easily get them up to speed. Taking a course in basic or intermediate computer skills will go far in making seasoned job seekers more appealing to potential employers; as will being up to date with the latest developments in business technology. Remember, being tech savvy is not just about being able to open an email, but also about being well-versed in the wide array of productivity software that is now on the market as well as social networking. Again, this is something that can easily be learned by taking a class or by buying a few books and is in no way a daunting or overly demanding task. It can be completed quite easily with a bit of hard work and determination.

Of course no amount of technological know-how will do much good if a resume never gets read. Therefore is it of the utmost importance to create a resume that will truly stand out and make a powerful impression. A resume should convey not merely that a person is qualified for a position, but instead that the employer would be remiss in not hiring an individual for a given job.

While this is where a person’s years of experience are going to shine the most, it is important to job seekers with years in the workforce to limit themselves in what they put down. Ultimately, only the last 10 to 15 years should be listed.

Here some more general guidelines to follow: Do not include personal details on your resume such as marital status or date of birth. The details that employers want are name, address, and contact information. A job seeker should make sure to highlight the skills that are relevant to the job they are applying to. Finally, if a degree was finished more than 10 to 15 years ago, it’s better to leave the date of completion off altogether.
In today’s job market, it is important for people to stay flexible and make the most of their natural personal networks. That means, if full-time work is not panning out, then part-time work should be considered as either a stop-gap measure or as part of the new economic reality. It also means that jobs may come from sources that people are already familiar with, such as contacts made in professional or civic organizations. Volunteering is also a great way to make professional contacts.

Finally, a key part of the job hunt is remaining optimistic. While optimism may not guarantee finding work, pessimism will likely ensure continued unemployment.

Nicole Rodgers has been blogging for three years; she is also blogging about budgeting techniques and finds sites to get deals on such as Savings.com

Achieving Your Goals in Midlife

An American named Charlie Whittmack recently completed a remarkable feat; the longest triathlon ever undertaken.

Firstly, Charlie swam the whole length of the River Thames up to London (he didn’t swim the London stretch due to the amount of river traffic and the dangers involved). He then swam across the English Channel to France.

Having completed the swimming section of his triathlon, he then got on his bike and cycled across Europe, into Asia and right up to the foothills of the Himalayas – an incredible distance of 10,000 miles!

After a break for medical attention following a road accident, Charlie then set out on the ‘running’ section of his triathlon – although in this case, it was more ‘climbing’ than ‘running’. Charlie climbed Mount Everest!

This is a truly amazing feat of endurance, stamina and willpower.

How did Charlie achieve this magnificent feat? When asked that question, he said ‘Every day I got up and (when I was swimming) put one hand in front of the other. That’s all I thought about – the next step.

What a lesson this is for the rest of us. Almost all of us are unlikely to complete a triathlon, let alone consider anything the size of Charlie’s effort. Yet we all have our own challenges to face which sometimes appear very daunting.

Why not follow Charlie’s example? While he was focused on achieving his goal of reaching the summit of the world’s highest mountain, he managed that in his mind by thinking about what he needed to do in the ‘here and now’ – what he needed to do next. To put one hand in front of the other.

So don’t be frightened or overawed (or depressed) about the challenge facing you, think about what needs to be done next, in the context of the overall goal.

Little by little, if you keep positive, retain momentum and stay on course you will reach your goal. It’s very easy to throw in the towel if you concentrate solely on the size of the final goal.

Much less likely to throw in the towel if you’re concentrating on putting one hand in front of the other!

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Rob Horlock has established The Mid Life Opportunity (www.midlifeop.com), a community for people in Midlife. Advice and Guidance is available from The Mid Life Coaching Panel. It’s free to join - click here

Anti Establishment Joke of the Week... A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! 

No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety 

The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....              

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE! !"

Midlife Depression

Guest post by Wendy Bailey

Many men and women experience the effects of a midlife crisis, however, some go through emotional and physical changes that can cause severe depression. Midlife depression differs from a midlife crisis, and it can often be more debilitating than a typical midlife transition. Many circumstances can trigger depression in someone facing a midlife change, and there are numerous forms of treatment that vary according to the individual’s needs.

What is a Midlife Crisis?

A midlife crisis generally occurs near the age of 40. Some men and women experience the change of life much earlier or much later as well. While this is considered to be a natural part of growing older, some people have difficulties dealing with the changes. In many cases, men and women who are not capable of facing the transition may become clinically depressed. When the depression becomes severe, psychotherapy is often necessary.

What Triggers Midlife Depression?

Midlife depression is triggered by a number of internal and external stress factors. These triggers range from person to person to person, and they can be caused both positive and negative experiences. In most cases, the person affected does not realize the magnitude of each situation.

Internal stress factors include:

- Low self esteem
- Anger at a significant other
- Confusion about what the future holds
- Questions and fears about the meaning of life
- Sudden discontent or boredom with lifestyle or people
- Doubt about an intimate relationship
- A feeling that something is missing

External stress factors include:

- A sudden change in job requirements
- Weddings
- Births
- Financial issues
- Family emergencies
- The death or illness of a loved one
- Changes in health
- Relationship upsets

What are the Symptoms of Midlife Depression?

Everyone experiences midlife depression in a different way. Men and women face different challenges, and their reactions to these stresses differ as well. Because a number of people ignore the feelings that are brought on by depression, it is important to identify the symptoms in order to prepare a proper treatment.

Depression symptoms include:

- Hopelessness or extremely pessimistic views
- Feelings of worthlessness
- Guilty thoughts
- Feelings of extreme helplessness or suicidal thoughts
- Loss of interest in favorite activities
- Anxiety or restlessness
- A change in sleeping or eating patterns
- Chronic physical ailments such as stomach problems or headaches

How is Midlife Depression Treated?

There are many forms of treatment for midlife depression, and each person responds differently. For some, a proactive approach is all that is needed. One of the best ways to prevent depression or limit its effects is to develop a healthy lifestyle. Positive alterations in eating and exercise habits can go a long way when it comes to preventing depression. Another way to keep depression in check is to get plenty of regularly scheduled sleep.

Developing healthy relationships is also beneficial in preventing midlife depression. In later years, it is essential to have close relationships that are born from trust and compassion. Maintaining healthy relationships allows a person to lean on someone else in times of need. This can prevent many of the depression triggers from taking a firm hold on a person’s psyche.

When the feelings of depression become severe and life-altering, it may be necessary to seek the help of a professional. A therapist can use behavioral therapy or antidepressants to curb the harmful effects of depression. In most cases, midlife depression can be remedied when the right course of action is taken. Men and women struggling with midlife depression can find happiness with the proper treatments.
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Rob Horlock has established The Mid Life Opportunity (www.midlifeop.com), a community for people in Midlife. Advice and Guidance is available from The Mid Life Coaching Panel. It’s free to join - click here

Tess Hardwick - Changing Career in Midlife

Guest Post by Tess Hardwick

Five years ago I sat in my large corner office in downtown Seattle with a view of the Puget Sound, behind a cherry desk holding business cards with the Director of Human Resources title etched in blue letters under my name.  Outside that office sat my nearly perfect staff, taking care of every detail I asked for.  Down the hall sat my smart and compassionate female manager. I had great compensation, bonus opportunities, and the esteem of really smart people good at their jobs; all a culmination of fifteen years steadily building a career.

I was also pregnant with my second daughter.  Every morning before I entered my corner office, I dropped my three-year-old daughter off at a Montessori, five blocks from where I worked.  Each morning, her enormous blue eyes that were round like a doll, filledwith tears and her arms reached out to me, begging me not to leave her.  Minutes later, as I took the elevator up to the 26^th floor of the high rise that smelled of Starbucks and new carpet, I was plagued with guilt and an aching sense that I was living someone else’s life. 

Despite all I had, I was miserable.

I yearned to be with my daughter more, feeling keenly that time was slipping away, that she was growing up while I sat behind that desk.  Also, I yearned to do work that inspired me instead of work that made me feel as if I were shriveling into a mockery of my former self.  The self I was when I was a young woman just out of high school who studied acting at the University of Southern California.  Back then I imagined the world like a tree that dripped with succulent fruit ready for my plucking.  I dreamt of being a writer, joking with friends about penning the great American novel, knowing that buried beneath my normal exterior was a storyteller.  But as the months of the calendar turned, page after page, year after year, the further I felt from that dream.

And life happens.  Bills and marriage, the desire to have a baby that is biological or hormonal, maybe even spiritual, because it is not a choice that makes logical sense.

And that urge to live the life I felt I was meant for, nagged at me.  Maya Angelou says you know what you’re truly passionate about if you’re willing to sacrifice for it.

I was willing.  I vowed to write that novel.

There were finances to think of.  There was my husband, who five years before this, had married a woman that brought in as much income as he did.  Regardless, after my second baby came, I closed the door to that corner office for the last time.  I gave up my power suits for sweats and t-shirts with baby spit-up down the back.  I spent the time I wanted with my children.  I was the mother I wanted to be.  And I wrote that novel I’d dreamt of for twenty years.

How?  By focusing on exclusively on what I wanted to accomplish. We sold our large home and downsized to a town home.  In addition to my own children, for extra money, I took care of other people’s children.  In every spare moment I conjured a keen and determined concentration, until word-by-word, Riversong, was done.

I gave myself the deadline of getting it done before I turned 40.  I made my deadline.  Then I spent another two years trying to find a publisher, which I did, finally, in the most unexpected way. In the meantime, I wrote another novel that will be ready for publication in November.  And now, people are buying and reading my work.  The day it went up on Amazon.com, I knew the dream was real. 

I’m not even close to making the kind of money I made as an HR Director.  But I’m free.  I’m happy.  When I look back on my life, I won’t remember that corner office.  I’ll remember the way my now eight-year-old daughter’s eyes widened and filled with light the first time she saw Riversong in book form.  I’ll remember the comments from my readers the last few weeks, telling me how much they love the book.  I’ll remember the delighted faces of my friends at last Saturday’s book launch party.

So whatever it is that you dream of, think how much you’re willing to sacrifice for it. Next, make a practical plan.Then, go do it.  The world is waiting for you, like baskets underneath that tree of life, anticipating, hoping, for your fruitful gifts to fall, one by one, until it is full.

Tess's novel 'Riversong' is out now. To find out more, visit www.tesshardwick.com