Overweight or Underweight?

As we grow older, many of us find that the excess pounds creep up on us. It is all too easy to become overweight and much more difficult to lose those extra pounds. Midlife tends to be the tipping point for a lot of people when they 'stop trying' to lose weight and give in to the inevitability of being heavier.

We can see how large or small we are compared to those around us but not those in other countries. A new tool has been developed which lets all of us compare ourselves to other people and the national average for our country. When you have a spare 5 minutes, enter your details into the Global Fat Scale and see how you compare. Does your body compare with someone your age in Mauritius, Vietnam or Samoa? Fascinating.

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The Mid Life Opportunity (www.MidLifeOp.com) is a community for Mid Lifers. Advice and Guidance is available from the members of The Mid Life Coaching Panel. It’s free to join so what are you waiting for? Join here FREE!

The Trials of a Modern Day Family

Guest post by Rebecca Fordham

Finding Mr Right as a divorced mother is as fulfilling as it is stressful. With children intact, how easy is it to blend two families through marriage or co-habiting? Rebecca Fordham investigates the issues remarriage causes and how to tackle them.

Lucy Taylor has recently moved in with her partner of five years and is in the process of renovating their four bedroom house. Their future as a couple is solidified, the excitement of coming home to someone is a novelty and the feeling of happiness clouds the prospect of having to live with all his annoying habits. This may seem like an enviable stage in a woman’s life. But Lucy is 45, mother to two children aged 21 and 17 and has not lived with a man for over ten years since she divorced her children’s father.

Remarriage for many in the UK is likely as divorce rates remain high. The Office for National Statistics show that 113,949 couples separated in 2009. In over forty per cent of marriages, couples have walked up the aisle at least once before. One in five people who get divorced remarry. However with a high percentage of those already having children from the failed marriage, the decision to then embark on a new relationship, move in with a partner and eventually marry comes with an abundance of responsibility that wasn’t there the first time.  

“It wasn’t a decision to take lightly, there were many things to consider in my situation such as finances, what my family thought, whether it would work but ultimately I had to think of my children”, Lucy explains. “How would they react to this situation, after all this man is not their father. He is my choice, not theirs.”

Inviting someone else into an existing family unit that works well can cause disruptions and upset. Lifestyle coach and relationship expert Karen Morley helps with similar situations everyday in her line of work. “It is about communication, communication, communication. You have to be practical and sit down together as a family to look at all the difficulties or practicalities that need sorting. Having meetings to help merge the two families is key.”

She advises parents to reassure children of their importance and to stress that they have a voice too. As well as easing the children into the idea of a new home-life by explaining the new marriage or living situation, ensuring that everything remains as normal as possible is a vital step in preparing everyone for the new challenge.

And it is necessary for everybody in the situation to prepare. For the partner, who in Lucy’s case is without children, they have a whole new way of life to mould to. “Whereas he previously lived by himself, he now has three extra people to contend with and we have met difficulties. We were both used to being in charge of a house so you have to learn to do things together.”

For many, both partners will have children and this situation can be the hardest of them all. Karen advices that parents who wish to blend two sets of children should make a very clear plan. “They need to sit down and work out their strategies, their compromises, and decide how everything is going to run. When an agreement has been reached they need to sit down with the children and do exactly the same with them.”

Natasha Walton was 6 when her parents divorced 17 years ago. Her dad is marrying his partner of ten years, and her mum has been in a relationship for over 8 years - both parents have young daughters from the new relationships. “At first it was strange accepting two new people into my life but I lived with my dad and soon-to-be step-mum and she became a big part of our family. Now she is more like a mother to me than my real mum. I’m not very close with my mum’s boyfriend and we both agree he will never really be a step-dad to me - but we get on.”

So what happens for those unlucky families whose children and partners don’t get on well? Karen explains that in this instance seeking outside help is the answer. “If you can’t work it out from within, then some help is needed as the problem doesn’t go away. Seeking help in a third party is not about being told what to do but being helped to work out what will work best. It involves compromise from everybody.”

It is the responsibility of the adult to try their hardest but sometimes finding their role within an affirmed family can be difficult. They may struggle to find where they fit in - many may even be thrown into parenting someone else’s child. Everyone’s preconception of what family life should be like is different. But a way to combat this is to sit and discuss how you envisage things to be beforehand, what each of your roles are and how compromises can be made so that everyone feels happy.

Amy Czapnik a 25-year-old events manager, felt resentful when her mum remarried. “It was strange to suddenly have someone else as part of your life. When my step-dad moved in I had to change my behaviour at home as it wasn’t just mum and I anymore. At the time when things started changing around the house I didn't like it and would try to keep things the same - as well as keep my mum's attention.”

We can’t forget that parents themselves have a lot to take on and adjust to in a remarriage. For many, they have lived as the sole earner, decision maker and rule enforcer of the house. Great independence has been gained and as much as a support may have been craved when buying a new car or when a teenager is being difficult, sharing your life again can be hard to get used to.

Keeley Townsend, a counsellor who specialises in couple and family relationships explains how the adult relationship must be strong in order for the merged family to work. “The most successful relationships will be the ones that are able to connect to being a couple as well as being parents. Although the family is important, couple time is vital because that is what will make the family function. Family time and individual couple time is so important”.

Both men and women have expectations of how it will be living together but these aren’t always realistic. If only one partner has children, the other may find they feel jealous or even pushed aside. Every couple has to work at their relationship so time alone is essential whatever your situation. Scheduling date nights, spending time together once the children are in bed, and finding someone to babysit from time-to-time can help. Keeley explains that keeping the relationship fresh is the answer.

Psychologically a merged family is faced with a harder situation than most. Whereas a family who hasn’t split have history together, know one another and have grown together to reach the stage they are in, a blended family lack this growth. They can appear to be at this stage from the outside but they have missed out on the all important developmental process. This solid family image can be hard to live up to and a lot of pressure to be under. Keeley advises that the best course of action is to understand each other’s family history. “Sometimes people don’t want to know about others past but that’s their life-script and has brought them to where they are today. If you are able to understand one another’s family history, then you’ll know where they come from and what makes them who they are.”

A positive that comes with blending two families is of course the gaining of additional family members. However the obligations that come with this can cause unnecessary stress or worry. Both Amy and Natasha are in agreement that the situation can become complicated at this point. “On special occasions there are so many strands of the family to see and having the time to do that is hard”, explains Natasha. “I have a responsibility to go and see them but sometimes I don’t want to because they aren’t real family.” However gaining two half sisters for Natasha and having extended support for Amy makes the situation very rewarding. 

This is one of many great advantages to being part of a blended family. Others include a great support network, more people to love and love you back, having happy parents which should in turn create a happy home environment, and gaining step-children. There are many issues that make the decision to remarry or even cohabit with your partner daunting. As a parent you will always ask yourself; “how long do you leave it before taking the next step?” But there is no easy answer and there comes a point where you have to take your own happiness into consideration too. The process will always have you asking; “is it worth it?” or, “have I done the right thing?” - but you have to try. It won’t be an easy ride but you will have someone there to share it with.

Rebecca Fordham http://www.writtenandposted.blogspot.com/

Tips for a Midlife Financial Reboot!

Guest post by Andrew Salmon

It doesn’t matter if you’re the victim of downsizing, spiralling debt or have just hit a fork in the road of life, it’s never too late for a midlife financial reboot. The one thing we can always count on in life is change and if you follow these steps, making big changes in your life does not have to be a terrifying experience.

Your Inner Reboot

It all starts here. Right between your ears. Being aware of what’s going on at work will allow you to see the writing on the wall long before the axe falls and with this forewarning you have the opportunity to squirrel away a portion of your salary for that rainy day. The same goes if you are planning to quit your job. The key is to not act on impulse. Plan ahead.

Once the deed is done and you’re out on the street, it’s vital that you keep your cool and don’t panic. Yes, you’ve lost that income you came to count on, the security blanket is gone. But the sky is not falling, this is not the end of the world and you’re not the first person to lose their job. Keep things in perspective and work out your next step.

Creative Solutions

Unless you’ve already selected a new field for your life’s endeavours and are on your way to achieving it, you might find yourself a little lost as to what to do once the dust has settled in your life. Here’s where you get creative. Being at the same job for a long stretch can put the blinders on us all and we get to believing that a steady pay check is the only means to our survival.

However this is not the case at all and creative alternatives are just waiting for you to discover. These do not have to be permanent solutions (although they can be) but they can help you bring money in while you decide what that next great calling will be.

If you have any kind of talent, now is the time to use it. Whether it be illustrating greeting cards to sell to the neighbours, or carving a bench for a friend, turn your talent into income. Start a catering service, begin selling off valuable baubles you no longer want on eBay. Remind your friends of the loans they keep forgetting to pay back. Cut back on your lifestyle and downsize your house if need be. Get rid of that second car you hardly use. There’s money all around you just waiting to drop into your pockets.

Who knows, changing jobs may lead to a complete change of your lifestyle, which can be a positive thing. At the very least, tightening your belt may reveal to you that you’ve been wasting your hard earned money on things you never really needed. Or that using your talent to earn a living brings you more joy than other career paths you’ve gone down in the past.

The key in rebooting your finances in midlife is to focus, really get in touch with who you are and what you want. It can be scary, it may seem impossible, but it can be done and is being done by people all over the world. Now it’s your turn. 

This article was written by Andrew Salmon from www.lifecover.ca. He writes on a variety of subjects including personal finance and frugal living.

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 The Mid Life Opportunity (www.MidLifeOp.com) is a community for Mid Lifers. Advice and Guidance will soon be available from The Mid Life Coaching Panel. It’s free to join so what are you waiting for?

What is Your Definition of 'Normal'?

What is normal? What do you understand by normal? To most of us, ‘normal’ is ‘the way it is around here’. If you live in a smart part of the city, then ‘normal’ is going to smart restaurants, having a highly paid job (or your partner has one), having a good education and having plenty of money, which gives you choices.

If you live in a rough part of the city, ‘normal’ may mean being part of a gang, not having enough money, relaxing with drugs and alcohol, no job and an education that is optional.

If you and your friends and family eat a lot of fast food and do little exercise, you’re probably overweight. But most people around you are on the large side too, so that’s normal, isn’t it?

Those who belong to the local golf club and send their children to public schools will socialise with friends who have the same interests – that’s normal.

Normal can be a very dangerous concept. We all have our view of what is ‘normal’ but these views will differ widely. Does this matter? I would argue that Yes, it does matter.

Regardless of our own situations, we need to understand that other people live very different lives to our own. Obvious, perhaps, but the vast majority of us carry on our daily lives as if other people’s ‘normal’ doesn’t exist. If we do think about it, ‘It’s over there’ or ‘What can I do to change it’ are typical reactions which might trouble us for a few seconds before we move on to something more interesting.

In the 21^st century, social mobility and the ability to move around the country are more difficult to achieve than ever before. Generous final salary pension schemes in some jobs mean that those employees lucky enough to have this benefit will not change jobs. They remain in place until they retire. Welfare benefits make it unviable for many unemployed people to take a job. They can’t move either.

Those in well paid employment do have more flexibility. In many cases they also have a selfish view of the world and ‘look after number one’. It isn’t until they fall off of the career merry go round that they realise how difficult life is for many people – they see a different ‘normal’.

Some cities are almost segregated with the members of different races living within their own communities and hardly mixing with others.

So what is the answer to this? One response would be to show people a new ‘normal’, one that they’ve never been exposed to before. This could be achieved by taking people out of their own environment and moving them to another area, where they would mix with other people with completely different views of what is normal. Taking people out of their local comfort zones where they might be ‘a big fish in a small pond’ and moving them elsewhere, where they become a much smaller fish in a much larger pond.

A way to achieve this would be to introduce compulsory ‘Social Service’ – a 21^st version of National Service. Everyone leaving school would do a year’s Social Service at a location away from their home town. They would meet a wide range of people from varying backgrounds whilst working on projects which helped local communities, helped the old and frail and worked to help society as a whole. Putting more emphasis on ‘We’ and less on ‘Me’. Within this, the illiterate would be taught to read and write, everyone would gain new skills in relation to their interests and abilities and those at the top of the social tree would be introduced to some of the harsh realities of life.

At the end of this, many people would have a new view of ‘normal’ and it would transform the lives of most of the people.

Yes, it would be expensive but look at the current alternative – would you want to live in some of these other ‘normal’ lives?

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The Mid Life Opportunity (www.MidLifeOp.com) is a community for Mid Lifers. Advice and Guidance will soon be available from The Mid Life Coaching Panel. It’s free to join so what are you waiting for? 

More Midlife Memory Lapses ...

I need to phone a friend. I go upstairs to get my mobile phone. As I’m going upstairs I take up some letters to put on my desk. Having put the letters on the desk,  I come back downstairs and go to the garage to get a hammer to put up the picture that my wife has been asking me to hang for ages.

As I’m going to garage I take out a tin of paint which I store on a shelf. I decide to mow the lawn – it’s a nice sunny day and the lawn is beginning to look scruffy. I wheel out the mower and spend the next 30 minutes walking up and down the lawn. When the grass box is full, I detach it from the mower and carry it over to the compost bin. I take off the cover and empty the mowings into the bin. This is repeated three times. On the way back to the lawn after the third trip, I notice that a bush needs pruning – I get the pruning shears out of the shed and prune the bush. I then finish mowing the lawn.

I also need to trim the edge of the lawn. I find the long handled shears in the shed and trim the edges.  Then I notice that the bird feeders need to be filled. I put down the shears and get a bag of bird food. I fill all of the feeders.

My wife calls out from the house to remind me to go to the Post Office. I go to the garage to change out of my gardening shoes and see the hammer that I came out to get an hour ago.

Since I’m going to the Post Office, I’ll call in at the shop on the way. I call in at the shop, buy the groceries and drive home.

After arriving home I go upstairs to check my emails and notice my mobile phone lying on the desk. I remember that I was going to phone my friend. I ring the number and as I’m waiting for him to reply I look out of the window. I see an open compost bin, which I should have closed, the mower, the pruning shears and the long handled shears all on the lawn, which should have been put away and a large bag of bird food, which should also have been put back where it belongs.

My wife shouts up the stairs to ask me when I’m going to hang the picture and why I haven’t posted her parcel.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

If you recognise these symptoms, you too may be suffering from MADD – Midlife Attention Deficit Disorder. Don’t worry, you’re not alone and all of your friends and family will be exhibiting the same symptoms before too long!

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The Mid Life Opportunity (www.MidLifeOp.com) is a community for Mid Lifers. Advice and Guidance will soon be available from The Mid Life Coaching Panel. It’s free to join - click here

Career Advice for the Over 40s

Guest post by Lorraine Wright

Why do people in their 40's, 50's and even 60's suddenly find themselves looking for work? Here are two real-life scenarios.

At 61, James C. felt secure in his executive job at a prosperous aeronautical firm. In 30 years, he had never taken a sick day, and had brought millions in revenue to the company. So he was completely blindsided when, caught in a nasty dispute between two battling VP's, he ended up being handed an early, and definitely unwelcome, retirement. He was devastated and angry, and considered legal action.

Elizabeth N. also felt secure. After 25 rewarding years of staying home and raising a family, she had never wanted a career. She, too, was blindsided when an unexpected divorce left her, at 45, as a single mother with three young children, little money, and nothing on her resume but an outdated college degree and a few part-time retail jobs.

Solutions?

James was at first understandably bitter and angry, and even considered legal action, but quickly realized this was counterproductive. And he wasn't ready to retire. He decided to get a job, any job. Through networking, he heard about a company looking for someone to oversee a huge contract. The catch was, the company needed someone who could travel overseas immediately, and work with no supervision whatsoever. In other words, they needed someone mature with years of experience. James got the job, and worked successfully for this company until he decided to retire.

After taking a few months to get her bearings and deal with the emotional shock, Elizabeth invested in several computer courses. Then, she applied to a Temp agency, and over the next four years developed many new skills, gradually advancing to higher level jobs. At age 50, when she heard of an office manager's job, one requiring a mature person, she jumped at it, and was finally able to support herself doing a job she enjoyed.

Why else do people over 40 find themselves looking for work? There are many other reasons: People are downsized, laid off, or their companies shut down with almost no warning; some people take early retirement, picturing how wonderful a life of leisure will be, only to find themselves bored witless after only a few months; others are horrified to see a lifetime of carefully-invested money melt almost overnight to half or less of what it was, due to the shaky economy. Some people have their retirement dreams shattered when their investor disappears with their precious and hard-earned nest egg, and sometimes, women are widowed, and suddenly find themselves with much less income than they expected.

At first many people in these situations feel shell-shocked, and paralyzed. But with a little time, some good financial and career advice, and armed with knowledge and a good resume, many people in their older years can find themselves happily and gainfully employed.

Every situation is different and success is never guaranteed, but don't give up: "Success is almost totally dependent upon drive and persistence. The extra energy required to make another effort or try another approach is the secret of winning." ( Denis Waitley )

Lorraine E. Wright http://21stcenturyresumes.ca 21st Century Resumes designs technology-friendly, attention-grabbing resumes and cover letters, customized uniquely for each job seeker, to present them at their very best in today's crowded and competitive job market.

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The Mid Life Opportunity (www.MidLifeOp.com) is a community for Mid Lifers. Advice and Guidance will soon be available from The Mid Life Coaching Panel. It’s free to join - click here

Midlife Advice and Guidance

The Mid Life Survey has been running for the past few months and will continue until the end of the year. At the end of June, I published the results to date on this blog.

Since then, people have continued to complete the survey and add their comments to some of the questions. Some of these comments have been from midlifers who are seeking help with their issues.

The Mid Life Survey is anonymous, of course, so we have no way of contacting anyone to follow up these requests for help.

The Mid Life Coaching Panel will shortly be finalised and members will be able to contact the coach of their choice. In the meantime, if you would like assistance with issues relating to career, relationships, lifestyle or family, please email: Karen@betterlifecoaching.co.uk

Karen can work with you in person, over the telephone or by email and she will definitely be able to offer you the advice that will help you to move forward.

Everyone deserves to live their life as positively as they can – don’t waste your opportunity!

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The Mid Life Opportunity (www.MidLifeOp.com) is a community for Mid Lifers. Advice and Guidance will soon be available from The Mid Life Coaching Panel. It’s free to join - click here

Are you a Lark or an Owl?

The vast majority of people are either “Morning types” (or Larks) or “Evening types” (or Owls). This is governed by our own natural body clock and it is not something that we are at liberty to tinker with. You are at your most productive at the beginning of the day or the end of the day. Some jobs obviously suit particular types. Delivering the post or the morning milk is clearly a job for a Morning Type. Working in a nightclub is not!

You need to organise your working day around your type. If you are a Morning type, then plan your main tasks for the beginning of the day. It will be fatal to leave important (but possibly unappealing tasks) until after lunch. The afternoon will arrive, you will look at the task and decide that “as I am a Morning type, I’ll leave this until tomorrow morning.” Taken to its logical conclusion, tomorrow never comes and you can find yourself putting the task off until it is really too late.

If you are an Evening type you should plan those important tasks for later in the day. You should also arrange your meetings at this time when you are your most productive and most alert. Start the day with the routine tasks that don’t require a lot of brainpower. But beware of falling in to the trap of concentrating on the easy (and possibly more enjoyable) tasks throughout the whole day. This may sound simple but just take a moment to think about some of your recent working days. Have you been as productive as you should have been? If not, have you tried to address tasks at the wrong time of the day with predictable outcomes?

If you’re looking or new job, try to uncover the culture of the company that you are considering working for. In order for you to be happy in a new role, the culture of the company has to map to your own. If you're a morning person you will want to arrive at work early. If you find yourself working in a culture where nobody leaves until the boss has gone home in the evening, you may not thrive!

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The Mid Life Opportunity (www.MidLifeOp.com) is a community for Mid Lifers. Advice and Guidance will soon be available from The Mid Life Coaching Panel. It’s free to join so what are you waiting for? Complete the form on the right hand side of this post…Tx