The Female Midlife Crisis

Drinking too much? Feeling worthless? Obsessively shopping? You could be having a FEMALE midlife crisis

This is the headline in a recent article in The Daily Mail written by Lorna Martin. Lorna describes the affect that a midlife crisis has had on two of her friends:

 “A friend was recently made redundant from her high-flying job as a magazine editor. 

Now 39, this is the first time since she left school at 17 that she has not had a job. Unsurprisingly, it has hit her hard. Once confident and outgoing, she now struggles to get out of bed in the morning. 

She used to live to work. It gave her a nice lifestyle, a good social circle, a sense of belonging to something and the means with which to buy an ever-changing wardrobe of designer clothes. Now, she feels she has nothing to live for. 

Another friend, 44, who prioritised family over career, has, at least on the outside, a very enviable life. But with both of her children now away at university, she doesn't quite know what to do with herself. 

She is always asking: 'Is this it?' The last time I met her, she half-jokingly said she'd like to have an affair just to inject a bit of excitement into her life. 

Neither of my friends would appreciate being told this, but I think they're both having a bit of a midlife crisis. A midlife crisis is not just a male thing, and it is only a cliché until you have one.”

 So what does a female midlife crisis look like? Is it an addiction to Botox and plastic surgery in a futile attempt to turn back time and cling on to one's youth? 

Or is it, like Eva Longoria's character in Desperate Housewives, an affair with a teenager? Is it packing everything in and doing a Shirley Valentine? 

For many, it may not be quite as dramatic. Less acute symptoms may be boredom, a feeling of worthlessness, loneliness and lack of meaning, depression and anxiety. Or drinking too much, repeatedly changing jobs or partners, or obsessively shopping but never quite finding the satisfaction you are looking for. 

It could be triggered by divorce, diagnosis of a serious illness, redundancy, an empty nest, the loss of a parent. Or it can just occur, seemingly out of the blue. 

The important question is: Why?

In the midlife crisis, we realise that our basic childhood and adolescent dreams of immortality and specialness have all been a bit of a fantasy. 

And this, essentially, is what a midlife crisis forces us to confront - the harsh realities of adult life. 

No matter how much we compete with each other and no matter how hard we try, the truth is we're all just the same.

It's usually at midlife that we realise life's not quite so simple. We realise the pretty painful fact that bad things happen to good people and vice-versa. 

Although this sounds grim to some, it can be incredibly liberating. It can force us to stop drifting through life. It can make us stop and think carefully about the choices we make, their impact on others and what we want to do with the rest of our journey. 

Once they've begun to recover from the initial crisis, women tend to handle the whole thing as a challenge, even an opportunity. 

 It may not feel like it at the time, but a midlife crisis can be an unexpected gift.

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7 ways for Mid Lifers to conquer their shyness in the workplace - has your shyness held you back?

Guest post by Simon Stapleton - Workplace Survival Guru for Professionals

7 Ways to Conquer Shyness in the Workplace:

The problem is, shyness leads to avoidance of contact with other people, but other people often perceive it as aloofness, arrogance or being ’snooty’. When in fact, it’s often very much not the case!

If you’re shy, then I bet it’s very frustrating. I know, I am shy too. Most people who know me well wouldn’t say I am – perhaps they would say I am the most ‘un-shy’ person they know. But the fact is, I don’t easily just walk up to someone and start chatting about stuff, full of charisma. It’s frustrating for me, because my job demands the charisma of me.

Do you feel this way too?

There is good news – there is a way through it. Over a number of years I’ve learned how I can conquer shyness (I am not there yet, but it’s a lot better for me). There are 7 things you can try, like I did, to get over the shyness.

1. Recognize you’re shy, and accept the responsibility to overcome it – it starts by accepting it, and taking responsibility for it. Only you can make you less shy, nobody else. So unless you’re prepared to take full responsibility for it, you’ll fail in your goal. The best way to start taking responsibility is to tell people about your shyness.

2. Watch how ‘non-shy’ people are, and learn – take some cues from non shy people and try replicating them. Be prepared to fail at first – this is part of the learning process. Having a role model (even if they don’t know they are) really helps.

3. Talk to somebody new every single day – it’s a small goal, but it will make a massive difference. You probably address many people in your day – the guy at security when you walk into your office, or the barista when you’re buying coffee, but instead, really talk to them; ask these people how they are, or say ‘Good Morning’ – anything that gives you an opportunity to speak clearly and positively.

4. Forget about YOU – one of the characteristics of shyness is a belief that everyone else is staring, or is judging, or harboring thoughts about us. Chances are – those people have too much going on in their own lives to be doing this, or are shy and are thinking the same about you too. The trick is to forget yourself – don’t even consider that other people find you interesting enough to stare, judge, or harbor thoughts. So take the focus off yourself, and place it on something else.

5. Accept the worst – if you must, try this. It’s a rough way of doing it, but it does work very well. When you face a situation (like a meeting) where your shyness will flare up, because you think people are going to laugh at you, talk about you, think bad of you, then accept that they already are. Face this truth you have created before you put yourself into the situation. Feel the hurt, and deal with the pain. When you’ve been through that, you’ll feel so much better about it that when you step into the situation, your shyness will have reduced by a mile.

6. Mix with non-shy people - OK, you’re stepping into the breach, but associating with non-shy people will help you learn by osmosis. It’s easier to learn something new when you’re mixing with the people who exhibit the skill. This might only be possible by mixing with folks outside of your core team. It’s the antithesis of mixing with shy people; you might feel more comfortable at first in this group, but in the long-run, you won’t be learning the skills and behaviors you’re trying to develop.

7. Don’t give up on people - one thing shy people tend to do (that is, if they haven’t accepted responsibility for their shyness) is to dismiss people outright if they have a bad experience. It’s a way of coping. But a bad experience is a good learning opportunity, and often, a single encounter is not a good measure of a person’s character. Don’t give up if someone rebuffs you or gives you a hard time because of your shyness. The workplace can be a harsh place at the best of times, but don’t let one exchange result in a dysfunctional team!

I hope you find these tips useful. They won’t all work overnight. Some might not work for you at all. But you won’t know until you’ve given them a go!

©2010 SimonStapleton.com. All Rights Reserved.

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The Mid Life Opportunity (www.MidLifeOp.com) is a community for Mid Lifers. Advice and Guidance will soon be available from The Mid Life Coaching Panel. It’s free to join so what are you waiting for?
If you would like some help now with aspects of your life, contact Better Life Coaching: www.betterlifecoaching.co.uk